She took her shirt off and was broader than Dwight Howard.
captain morgan taught me last night that resee's puffs are way better when eaten straight out of the sink.
So, just so you know... Your vasectomy worked.
bonus
i walked into his room and he was eskimo kissing his weed..
is it bad that my walk of shame involves the church shuttle?
I told him that his face would look perfect between my legs. One of my most successful strategies yet.
He's my BOYFRIEND but he won't sext me. I'll be like, "tell me how you want to fuck me", and he's like, "I love how we can talk about our feelings". FUCK
Just woke up in his bed wearing only his shoes. I don't know how to gently say hey dude get the fuck up and take me home....regardless these are some nice shoes.
Just found out that his ringtone for me is a train blowing bc and I quote 'I know when you call I'm getting laid'
It wasn't even dirty talking, it was more like the soothing gentle nonsense noises you make when you've spooked a horse.
Nothing too major over here lately. Just had a date with an ex-internet porn star turned lawyer. He said: "at my 3rd burning man I taught a workshop on BDSM" and I knew it was going to be a fun night.
I'm so high that a guy on TV just sneezed and I said "bless you."
At 10 PM you were shit faced in the kitchen makin nachos... Naked. I wasn't sure what to do besides walk away...
I just watched a magician wearing a fedora deep throat a balloon\n
Yes I went home with her last night. I woke up this morning and ran into my boss on the way to the bathroom. Monday is going to suck at work.
Randomize
