That chode just called off the engagement. I just dropped his toothbrush in the toilet. And I’ve forgotten to take my birth control for the past two weeks. He’s fucked!
I just told someone i was in "addition and subtraction 160".......and they believed me.
He woke up in the ambulance thinking he was still in the club.
May or may not be going home with my jamitor. i'm kiddong, btw, i have no idea. i'll let you know soooon.
ok. i'm ready for you to come back and test the structural integrity of this futon.
I'm sure it's not the worst thing to ever come out of my ass
All I know is that at 4 am I was walking down the street in my bra and his shorts and Im pretty sure I passed my grandma on her morning walk.
Its like I've been given a sexual blank check.
Growing a beard is gonna make smoking a pipe look so much more majestic
Last night I was introduced as the Picasso of getting fucked up so I obviously had to live up to it by chugging long islands
I went to work hungover and threw up in the break room. Told them I was pregnant and then said I quit. I don't have a job now, thanks vodka.
there's a 50/50 chance the night will end in alcohol-induced rituals of satanic nature
So what if you don't want to be with your family. Go drink alone and watch Netflix like a normal person, don't be productive!
I also tried to hide a bottle of vodka in a build a bear last night so that something that happened in my life
i just really want to fuck a guy wearing lederhosen
it'll be sexier than it sounds, i promise
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