Could a canary swim?
Last time I ever let you pet sit.
You totally narrated your dogs thoughts for 2 and a half hours last night, and I was enthralled. I didn't say one word, I just listened.
Hooked up with my first aid and cpr teacher last night. She dressed as a lifeguard and brought me back to life. Beat that.
Weekdays seemed more exciting when I had a drinking problem. Like I had something to look forward to at night.
The fact that I pulled something plastic out of my mouth after taking that shot is starting to concern me.
Should we pre-order food to the ER for cinco de mayo?
I just got my hands on some dry ice. How do you feel about coming home to a mystical wizard toilet?
This body was not built to go to the gym. It was built to chain smoke cigarettes and shoot whiskey
I went to the bar saying i wasn't going to drink that much. I forgot sobriety might as well be some mythical creature when you're with Holleey
New low. Just realized I hooked up with a guy from Grindr in the hallway of a building my great grandfather used to own..
i want to have his babies. i NEED to. shit i wont even ask for child support, he's that goodlooking.
Either it didn’t do much damage or I’ve lost all feeling in my asshole
Sorry for face licking, I probably won't do it again.
Also, I love cats. I sat on the floor and they sat with me.
But once you are just right and I work my tongue in the right spots and hot wax your balls and inner thighs. I will have you right where I want you.
Who is this?
Oops wrong number
So I have a horrible yeast infection right now and I learned that Scott is cheating on me and now he has a yeast infection in his mouth and in his stomach a pretty aggressive one too. I believe the doctors call it thrush. Text me in the morning tell me what you think.
Randomize
