I'm drunk at The Bachelor casting call in Cleveland
I cherish every text you send me
and that's when the elephants and penises started dancing on the ceiling
Its piss that you smell... I borrowed that shirt last week. Sooo, wanna grab some laundry soap on your way home? And good luck on your date.
Sunscreen. In my vag. I hate summer sex.
Just thought to myself "I should practice shotgunning a beer before Wednesday." I don't think my GPA is going to like this semester.
You hid from a cop under some guy's canoe on his lawn.. It didnt work
FYI...Jose likes Shamrock shakes better than Jack
oh god my hair smells like rotten vegetables, sweat, and tequila. I wanna party with your neighbors every night.
I don't know whether to call the hospital or call the prison first.
thank you for extending my knowledge of the effects of vodka. speak of what happened last night and i will kill you and send your fingers to your loved ones.
Starting the day with sex, coffee and productivity are what the founding fathers intended
I look like I just got gang banged and I'm wearing a Taylor swift t shirt. It's not gonna be a pretty breakfast.
Just because he told you it was safe doesn't mean you should have licked it.
Dude. why do I feel like I am cheating on you every time I do shrooms?
Note to self: make sure the door is locked before the handcuffs go on.
Randomize
