My key broke off while I was turning the key. I can't pull the broken key out. Not only am i locked outside, so is the rest of the building.
DAMN! I hate it when i drunkenly erase all my "sent message" and wake up in the morning and my inbox is full of "WTF?" and "Huh?" messages.
no, its his 'welcome back from rehab' party.
I'm not sure how exactly, but this funeral has turned into a ridiculous night of drinking games
Gave him an awesome blow job on his living room couch last night, so at least he'll have something nice to think about next time he's watching the Tigers lose.
I just put fruit snacks in my sangria instead of real fruit. Its like freshman year all over again..
We couldn't afford sangria freshman year. We're lucky we had fruit snacks..
First time at a gay bar. I found a surrogate AND sperm donor! The surrogate is straight, so it evens out.
I can't even masturbate without crying fuck this break up
I think my AA sponsor just booty called me.
at least its a cool name to shout when he's balls deep in you later
"I licked someones beard, because I can."
I think I pulled a muscle in my tongue.
sorry? thank you? I love you?
Something I can get at drive through, boobs out, don't want to get out of the car
I've never been to an orgy, but I would assume nachos wouldn't be out of the question at one.
just discovered a semi frightening wound on the side of my head that must have happened last night. if i die of a brain aneurysm, make sure they put "sorry for partying" on my gravestone.
Randomize
