Whyyyyy do my fingers smell like Chinese food.
at one point last night, you were literally auctioning me off. "reeeally drunk hot girl ! we'll start the bidding at an ice cold corona. oh, we have a bidder! do i hear a shot of whiskey? going once, going twice.."
youre welcome
Playing hide and seek with all those cheeseburgers... Not our finest moment.
I can't right now...you know Sunday night is whn I get drunk and do laundry.
Why does it always end up with me crying in my car.
i was debating whether to load antoher bowl when i realized i was holding a sandwich in one hand and a cookie in the other. and laughing.
Fuck I am starving. I don't think I've eaten in the past two days.
You didnt need to. Gin is like eggs, its a perfectly nutrionally balanced meal.
Hey please buy toilet paper today. Plastic grocery bags are starting to hurt now
I slept with someone shorter than me. My vagina weeps.
You fool.
I did coke with the Royal Navy last night. God save the queen.
Do u ever find yourself high af, watching American ninja warrior and crying at the athletes stories?
2:34, make a wish! I wish I wasn't on acid at Planned Parenthood. What's yours?
I will be DAMNED if anyone but me breastfeeds my cat.
I tired using vodka to remove my makeup
Also, I'm not that drunk, but I'm thinking of pulling the blinds all the way up and casting some porn up onto the living room TV to establish dominance over our neighbors.
Randomize
