I just had teddy grams, ritz crackers, and twizzlers for dinner. Hello, end of the semester.
dude, I'm listening to "I believe I can fly", i'm high, and driving. this is so amazing.
Dude you can sell sperm for 100 to 250 bucks a time. And the best part is there will be kids all over the world that will have me as a daddy. It's like I'm jerking off my way into ruling the world
I guess I just laid down next to him with the entire pot of mac n cheese and started giving him a handie with one hand and eating with the other
It's all fun and games until you throw up hot cheetos in your drawer.
Found half of a five day old piece of pizza behind my dresser. Apparently it was drunkenly set there and got knocked down. It was such a happy reminder of last weekend.
I found a cheeseburger next to my tub once. It's there to shame you, but it always just makes me feel more awesome.
When I woke up everyone at the party was in their underwear. Only you guys were playing strip pong.
Yes, we all have the power to convince a large amount of people to take their clothes off
If we order a pizza and I contribute 9 cents, is that fair?
seriously, who doesn't want to get shitfaced and have sex to the backstreet boys?
Denim handjobs are the worst handjobs. I hate all handjobs. Why do people even.
Drunk me has cost me a lot in cell phones...
Enough talk of my burning loins. How is your day?
And then you poured the rest of the vodka into salsa and added the alcohol soaked pineapples and grapes and said "don't touch my salsa breakfast".
We took three cabs to get home, the first one dropped us off a block away, so we went back to the hotel and tried again
i've got three words. i. was. spanked.
Randomize
