Booty call?
Dude you don't even follow my twitter
Just saw the true definition of the muffin top and camel toe all on one person at the DC zoo... Tried to take a pic but she got away..
I just found 'pokemon orgy' in my search history
pop tarts are not kleenex
I'm sober enough to realize she looks like a man, but drunk enough to do it anyways
I swear I only do things like fuck 19 yr olds just to hear how you laugh when I tell you.
That's what you get for drunk dialing me to ask what kind of flowers I like while outside of a strip club, after telling me you "made it rain"
I will forever be haunted by the image of you hurrying to finish your Jimmy Johns sandwich in the Taco Bell drive thru so you could proceed to order $17 dollars worth of shitty Mexican food.
It feels like I'm breathing out my heart and it spreads through my limbs to my fingertips.
Hello Officers/Paramedics, judging by last night, my friend is dead. The money in his pockets is mine, he owed me. Please send me directions to whichever morgue/strip club for pick up.
I won't be able to get a boner for a month
Challenge accepted.
Stole my 7th stop sign and 3rd speed limit sign last night. Not even sure how because they were bolted to a cement wall. Tequila gives you strength you didn't know you had.
Let's celebrate our country being screwed by screwing.
on a scale of one to ten where does vomming from being hungover during a professionalism lecture fit
And how about the fact that the first time i really truly looked at a guy's dick was in my car. MY CAR. GODDAMNIT!!!
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