Seriously, stop peeing all over the toilet seat. It looks like movie theatre butter.
Of course I was flustered, I had a lot of penis in my face.
I have a spoon shaped bruise on my ass...
No mixer. Vodka in yogurt?
He sent a pic, I sent one back. Then nothing. It's like we sext-messaged goodbye and ended the relationship.
You hit on my mom and then passed out in the kiddie pool.
There was a dismembered bleeding penis in my dream last night. That's some serious Freudian shit.
I am not saying having unprotected sex in my boss' pool was a good idea, I am just saying it wasn't my worst idea of the summer.
the last thing i remember was the norwegian kid tacking a bag of wine to the ceiling, then boom! shower drain.
I sat on the bathroom floor yelling "hell hath no fury!" for about 20 minutes.
It's definitely revenge time.
Idk my boobs are big but i dont think theyre hide a flask in them big..
I made out with the uber driver for free weed, I thought he deserved it
Well I didn't spend $7 on an Uber just to get limp dick
Hungover at Subway, watching a business guy try to squeeze his way past my car to get into his. Bitch shouldn'ta parked over the line.
You truly are a temple of morality.
I am the night, I am justice, I am currently watching the fat biz guy pay a frat boy to back his car up for him so he can get in.
Woke up way too warm in the middle of a spooning sandwich. Was working up a rant about still not wanting a threesome. Then I realized the littlest spoon was the dog. Might need to break up anyway.
Randomize
