You know the @ sign on twitter? i wish there was one of those in real life so that the smokin' hot guy at the bar would know the slutty unbuttoning of my shirt was directed @ him, not @ his friend who looks like Mickey Rourke post-face melting
why was he too nerdy?
he was a tetris block for halloween
I just made this asian woman on the boardwalk that was giving 20 dollar massages upset after I asked her if a happy ending comes with it.
You dont understand. she was my french AND spanish teacher. that's 2 kinds of freaky. i have to find her on facebook.
Just found out for my occult lit class (history of cults) final project is making a spellbook. Hello last term of college.
Just got an email from TMobile. Said they were going to pursue "more qualified" candidates. So this is what rock bottom feels like.
I'm in the liquor aisle and a 10 yr old boy yells, "My favorite beer is Corona! Daddy remember when you gave me some on our camping trip?"
I went on my dinner date pretending that my lunch date didn't jizz in my hair.
YOU NEED TO STOP BLOWING DUDES ON MY COUCH AT MY PARTIES
YOU NEED TO STOP PROVIDING TEQUILA AT YOUR PARTIES
I'm totally wasted about to ride water slides. That's goddamn 'Merican. That and Clint Eastwood.
How I know I've been single too long: I'm reveling in finding out my taken friends are being tragically dumped
Yeah. I fucked her boyfriend, she knows, and she still wants to keep dating him. That's love.
Another thing to add to the list of things not to do while I'm drunk......explain to the upstairs neighborr how to have quiet orgasams......she now thinks I want to be part of a threesome......fuck my life
I can’t shake the image of her gigantic black unibrow. It’s like I got a blowie from Eugene Levy
Get over here and bring your drill!!! The strippers next door need help installing a stripper pole by their pool
Randomize
