she said your name and I thought she was asking me to motorboat her. Best. Miscommunication.Ever.
He was like an evil genius with the clitoris. I don't stand a chance.
I make my boyfriend pay for half of my birth control. We call it his monthly rent.
Can we please have a moment of silence for my reputation?
I'm at the grocery store, it's 10 am and the woman in front of me just bought 3 boxes of wine. She turned around and told me not to be afraid
frankly if you're gonna get kicked out of your place, hooking up with your gay roommate's boyfriend would be the most entertaining way to do it.
Dude squirt doesnt even begin to describe it i thought she was the lost portal to atlantis with how much she let out
"can of pringles" is totally a legitimate measure of time
As I was sneaking out of his house last night his moms lover was sneaking in, he held the door for me...
it is a dangerous dangerous place where morals and dignity go to die and all your fantasies about men become reality.
She told me her last name, which as you know is my #1 turn-off.
the second she challenged me to mario kart drinking game i knew i was in love
I called you a cum goblin in my voicemail. I stand by it.
On another note I never thought having a drug addicted stalker would prove useful
poll: am I friendzoned if he just called me brochacha? on one hand, he called me bro, but on the other, he used the a to make it feminine.
Randomize
