im on my way to getting "i just graduated college with no money, no job, and no plan" drunk
If I ever start a band I'm gonna name it "Nancy Reagan's Vagina"
just saw someone puke all over a michigan fan. he didn't even flinch.
some people wear their heart on their sleeve but you just wear your vagina on your face.
I puked in the coffee maker. I wouldn't make coffee tomorrow morning if I were you
I woke up with cheeseburger in my mouth and a deep sense of accomplishment.
slow down on the beer.. we don't need another pentabong projectile hot dog incident
You screamed "she never feeds them anyway" and threw the fish tank off the 3rd floor balcony. Don't park on our side of the building.
Thank god crabs can't live on your head. Thank god.
You were definitely drunk. You gave him an otphj in front of everyone.
I just jerked off in front of my dog to make him jealous of my thumbs. There are consequences for stealing the last cheeto!
He has a bathrroom scale in his room with an alarm attached to it so anything over 150 sets it off and in his drinking stupper he can make a run for it.
Being home for break is weird, just had a full convo with my dad about what I wanted for dinner, while a dildo was on top of me under my comforter
Waxing your own asshole is awkward and difficult at best.
when part of the plan includes getting high, i usually forget how the rest of the plan goes.
Randomize
