I forgot i ate a salad for dinner, so while i was barfing in his toilet, i kept screaming "i ate leaves?? i cant believe you let me eat leaves!"
nothing makes up for a small, perpetually flaccid penis quite like a British accent
im trying to make cookies in the george foreman
So when I got her home I realized being a lesbian again isn't like riding a bike...
I prob couldn't even get his attention if I had a dick growing out of my forehead
Crashed the mayor's bday party, no list for some reason. Wore suits. Ludacris was there.
Just reduced mom to tears when she realized I wasn't kidding about hating kids. She's crying about never being a gma. Now would be the time to tell her about the girl you knocked up. You're welcome.
Still had my bottle opener ring on. Started to give him a hand job. LOL
I'm going to make a mold of my tits to bake a cake for him for our anniversary.. I can see the pride in his eyes now.
So neither of us had a dollar bill and we couldnt find a straw so we spent all nite doing coke through penne pasta
He taped a champagne bottle to both his hands and called himself edward champagne hands. At one point he poured some on his lap and said " Just needed to make sure my dick got some too"
literally just blacked in. Im watching what to expect when your expecting, eating pretzels and peanut butter, and I have someone's underwear around my neck.
How many drinks/blunt hits do you think I could get if I wore an "it's my birthday" shirt
that's the first time I've heard "shenanigans" and "apocalypse" in the same sentence
Why did you have to tell me he has a hammer cock? Now I can’t stop staring at his pants.
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