Never again let me pretend to be australian for free booze.
Passed out in a rocking chair on her porch. Woke up to the tow truck taking away my car.
allie, at least he made an effort and braided his goatee.
So I passed out with my boxers on in the hotel jacuzzi at 5am.. The manager who kicked me out was pretty cute so I left my name and number for her at the front desk. I'm giving it a 50/50 she calls.
announcing that you were the mayor of bjtown got their attention.
I am making pancakes and watching Spongebob Squarepants. My life is a waste of youth.
Just got a blowie during the Avengers. It's weird knowing that the high point of your life just happened.
I'm gonna cougar town the shit out of that prom.
It was over as soon as he asked if he could name my vagina pancake.
Idk who invented dominoes cheese steak pizza but I wanna lick their balls
It's called the dick transitive property. It states if you touch a person whilst they touch a dick, you are also touching said dick.
I had the most traumatic dream I've ever had just now. I ripped my dick off because a girl asked me to and spent the rest of the dream crying about my dick
So i've noticed that drunk me erases sent messages to hide them from sober me, because drunk me knows that sober me will be PISSED at drunk me.
I literally ended up in this basement and was tangoing w my friend and then I peed in a supply closet and had to be put to bed
It's official, I'm not staying in tonight
What caused that decision?
You only live once
Randomize
