If I had a nickel for every time somebody called me a bad person I would have enough money to check into rehab
and she's shaped like a lego person so that's not happening
someone just broke into my class and invited everyone to the bar ...now we're filling out a police report. awesome.
i stalked him back to the creation of his facebook in november 2008. that bad.
I feel like college is just an experience in what names I can't name my future son.
Using the only finger i can move, i calculated body mass, intake and time. It's mathematically impossible for me to still have this hangover at 9pm. I passed out at 8pm last night. Fuck vodka.
I thought my period ended but I felt it again as soon as Pitbull started playing
So I pull up to an apartment complex and immediately felt like I was here to get stoned.
People spilled so much that there was a thin film of beer on the floor. You took a running start, screamed, "SLIP AND SLIDE!" and slid face first through the drywall.
how do you ask an olympian for your underwear back?
I'm basically flying you out for a long weekend of sex and going to the zoo
I'm cool with that
I keep picking up boring men who literally just want to cuddle. HOW AM I THIS BAD AT GETTING SEX?
I'll have a whole suitcase of emergency bacon with me obviously
She's gonna be mad if she finds out you put weed in her house warming cookies
I boned my sugar daddy for the first time yesterday and now I know why they say guys in their 40s are the best. Also I’m getting a car.
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