and you said cock pushups were impossible
i realized that the internet ruins the joy of a father passing down playboys to his son
She cried. My mom screams. And nut went everywhere. It was all around a bad situation.
We had a long talk in which he told me he respects me more than any other girl. 30 minutes later, I got a facial.
She is chewing on staples and spitting them at her cat, I think it's time to leave..
FYI I just found your friend. Asleep. In. My. Kayak. In. Pool.
I just had to dig under a pile of condoms in my desk drawer to get to a blue book. Summer is officially over.
I just want a pillowcase full of fast food so I can eat and sleep this hangover away
Holy. Fuck. This mans mouth is magical. I love married men. I don't have to teach them.
Amanda, I can 99.9% assure you i'm probably never going to bang your mom
I DON'T LIKE THAT SENTENCE
I convinced her that there were two p's in Chipotle - the 2nd one was silent.
i spent my Thursday drinking before noon and not wearing pants
Woke up with a lip tattoo that says "fake news" in case you're wondering about my wellbeing
I just got a text from a stranger offering to shave my asshole. I've been sober and out of town for a week, are you using my number as a dial-a-dumping again?
On a scale of one to ten how bad is it that the first cardio I've done in months is jogging to the bars?
I'll just go with dedication.
Randomize
