I'm being pulled over???
For what!?!?!
??? I'm in a cab!!!!!
Everything smells like syrup. But I guess that's better than last time when everything smelled like beer.
my cup is half full, half full of rum.
Moral of the story: don't get pregs or your chances in the beer league are over
I keep having to have that awkward "I don't want to have sex with you" convo. I thought wearing sweatpants was suppose to prevent this situation..
hotdog in my bra and i still managed to score. Got a bit freaked when he tried to eat it though. I paid 3 bucks for that fucking hotdog.
I can't turn my head to the left, I'm pissing out of my ass, and my finger went through the toilet paper today... I need you.
All I want to do on Facebook today is comment on people I knew in high schools profile pictures and tell them how much uglier they are now.
It'll be a romanticized airport meeting until I'm judged for sitting on his face in the terminal
My mouth is so dry that I'm about to put a straw in a jar of Vaseline and chug. This all addi diet definitely has its ups and downs.
I think you just miss his friendship.
I think it's his ability to give me multiple orgasms.
Dude i'm still drunk and i'm feeding a raccoon cereal from my bedroom window
So...a chick sucked my crank...now her dog is licking my feet. I feel like a pharoh on vacation.
You told me you didn't want to go to the hospital because you were drunk, but because you didn't want to leave the "fun".
Learned two new lessons today: 1) Do not identify pills found in one's car by taking them to see what happens, especially while at work, and 2) There is no logical reason to keep ambien in one's vehicle...
Randomize
