Haha no. But I cannot hook up with you anymore. Especially when you group text people.
My grandmother just called to say she disowned me. Apparently I uploaded a video to Youtube of me dancing nude with a blow-up doll named Dorothy, last night. You are so fired from being damage control.
I'm already mentally preparing myself for the fact that I'll probably be sleeping next to a toilet.
I joked that if anyone could fuck a 35 year old woman while wearing head bands and arm sweat bands it's you and look what happens.
My mom just came into the kitchen and watched me take a double shot of whiskey and chase it with a beer and said "you are my son." Proudest family moment ever
An old lady WILL get vomited on today.
So high I started crying because I was proud of Snoop Dogg for becoming Snoop Lion
She busted her face in a tragic twerking accident. Marking the 2nd time I have peed my pants laughing.
Is it considered a bad morning to find your boss half naked in the parking lot of work at 7am?
That depends, how hot is your boss?
Who would you rather hang with tonight, drunk me or high me?
Appearently I went across the hall last night demanding to ride my neighbors moose... How much did I drink?
You know I've done a lot of messed up stuff. But I never thought I would have to put a bandaid on my dick. Yet here we are.
mcfuck me up
MCFUCK ME UP INSIDE
YOU ARE STRONGER THAN YOUR VAGINA
I was taking this cougar home in the middle of the night I walked across the hall all naked to take a piss and ran into to some chick from highschool she said no way you are fucking my mom ran into her moms room and started yelling at her
Randomize
