I feel like death. Did you die last night?
Nope. Ready for round 2. Fiesta!
unreal. Greatest comeback since Jesus
i left the bar a little after you and ended up flipping my car in the arbys drive thru
Nothings more american than taking a shit with a handgun next to you.
smoking weed is really the only logical conclusion to hangovers
I'm officially "accidentally set myself on fire" drunk
He stripped down to boxers and then started flinging jello shots with a spoon into people's mouths like a catapult.
You are right. The scrape marks on her ass are from her breaking the doggy door by crawling through it.
I actually cannot wait for your visit. I miss people who make me look like the virgin mary in comparison.
Welcome to stoned Saturday. Full of laser tag and beyonce and awesome
It was fine. Until I accidentally shit on his floor.
Correction: *I* watched JoJo's Bizarre adventure while he snored asleep on me cock still fully inside me.
I balled in the shower for 20 minutes, rolled up to the meeting late looking like a gremlin, and my one night stand was standing there in a suit
It figures that the only time one of my videos on Snapchat gets replayed is a video of my Hedonism Bot impression and NOT my nudes
I'm having shoppers remorse over a dildo
God doesn't care if you're a paramedic, you can't do that to someones cat and still get into heaven
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