I think I just was a dick to Paul Rudd.
I like to use the word "seasoned" over "slutty", you know, like a good curly fry
I was happy to be the center of attention..until i realized why everyone was staring
Just hooked up with a girl I met in line at Taco Bell. I told you leave me to do my own thing and I'll get it in
i didn't realize we were even dating until i ran out of weed
how are things with the new girl?
good, we have nothing in common but she likes being choked
I'm going for high school drunk, you've got 15 minutes to get here.
Oh that's what I forgot last night.. To make out with her.
Seriously. Come back. I've had two beers for breakfast so far. The third will be for lunch since it's already 12.
A big thanks to that bride-to-be, Her fiance and his loaded friends will forever hold a place in my heart for the generous tequila body shots on the couch at Henry's.
It would be awesome if I knew whose teeth these were in my pocket
Went out with the family last night and some 40 yr old lady wanted to take me home. My mom was not happy with me
In all the years we have had drunk sex, have we ever done it in a bed?
Just to let you know we went to the circus yesterday...in case you didn't remember
Pro: 2020 made it easier to hook up with strippers
Con: explaining to Kari why there’s always strippers at our house
Pro: there’s always strippers at our house
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