Tell her she can't have a vagina
I've decided to only have meaningless sex from now on.
And what brought this epiphany?
I've decided it's a lot easier to have dirty amazing sex with someone when you don't care about the other person or what they think of you. I'm going to test this theory soon. Will update you later
I just found a dead bug in my nose. if that's the worst thing up there im considdering myself lucky.
So dude, she and I just got done having the most amazing sex, and then she rolled over and said that "lets make some tacos" and proceeded to the kitchen... naked... I'm buying the ring tomorrow
Even the French judge on the olympics would give that a 10
Is it illegal to masterbate in an airport?
It's spring break, I'm sure it's ok.
somehow a sneeze triggered me puking over everyone in the car
You threw up with your ski mask on still.
My drunk neighbor is arguing with a goose in his yard. This was the highlight of my day.
If this nail lady pinches my achilles one more time im kicking her directly in her bedazzled boobs
I'm naked, I'm drunk, and I'm all up on social media right now
Just try not to burn your pubes off with sparklers this year.
No promises
I had the bathroom of girls sing you happy birthday while you puked. I couldn't stop laughing. They were all so supportive
Literally, and I mean LITERALLY as in "not to be confused with a casual hyperbole", LITERALLY the day we broke up she slept with 3 different guys that night.
1) It's nice to see that the whole "English Major" thing is upping the quality of your rants 2) Have you considered that your dick was the cork holding her sluttiness in?
Your grandma found me sleeping in my car this morning, and she wanted me to tell you she was going to church... Also, last night was amazing.
Rich men love me! I remind them of their trophy wife!!!
Randomize
