Just woke up. First thing I see: Little brother eating last night's jello shots thinking they're reg jello.
Just gave advice in krystal burger while holding and pointing with a corona to a 3 year old, told her to enjoy her stroller time while it lasts. The mom pushed her away fast.
i'm gonna need a rally to restore sobriety after this weekend...
He woke me up at 3 am kneeling on the floor pissing and yelling, then he passed out and stole my comforter. I want a new roommate...
Please delete that video of me blowing you. I will repay you with 100 blowjobs even better than the one I gave you during that video. Please. I am gonna be a grandma one day.
Dude. I only took a 20 out the ATM last night. How do I have 83 ones?
You stole from the strippers again. I wish I was ninja like you
Your first words after putting out the flames, "how am I supposed to eat girls out with my top lip burned off??"
Yeah no more flaming everclear shots.
He walked straight into the wall, said "excuse me ma'am" and continued back to his dorm room.
7:26 bus just came. I am sweatier than Louie Anderson eating chili in a sauna
Also, lets remember that we have known each other for nearly a decade and our two most recent photos to one another are boxes of plan b
Sexting across continents is really a perfect example of how far technology has come.
So I should just walk in, look him in the eye and say, "I just came to fuck your brother, nice to meet you" and just walk to your room.
I'm so sorry to hear about your grandmother. Also how many grams are in an eighth?
This is the fourth guy that I've broken in to gay sex. How the hell do they find me?
Positive reviews on angieslist?
She pooped on me during a reverse cowgirl. And it wasn't a little bit either.
Randomize
