Someone told me they could tell we were from cincinnati because we say "as fuck" after adjectives
I didnt expect it either. But she was there and I had a boner, so i made it happen.
Guess who got arrested for public drunkiness, and called jimmy johns for the entire station last night instead of someone to bail me out? The cop that arrested me drove me home. Win.
I cannot believe how calm you were last night about telling Katie she was on fire.
Drunk roommate walked in on us and asked if we wanted to go eat a sandwich with her in the bathroom.
did mom hear me barking???
oooooh yeah. good luck explaining that one
sooo high. sooo many dog friends
For the amount of money I just spent on my dogs toe, I could have fucked the entire B squad at a low end strip club.
If I die tonight and was cremated, you could probably get high off the smoke.
Speaking of gay, some dude in a life vest just goes, we should pull our dicks out! To larry. Were leaving now. I saw penis
Are cops allowed to hit on you if they're in uniform?! Serious question.
I was standing in my mom's kitchen in only my neon green thong, eating pizza over the garbage can, and sobbing while he was yelling at me.
I tried to bring you in when you passed out on the porch but all you said was that I "ruined your hope ands dreams of becoming an astronaut"
My fire has petered out without you
My Peter has fired out without you
That might be the most romantic thing you’ve said to me, unfortunately.
Hey do you care to explain why there are 3 empty pickle jars next to me when I woke up or do I even wanna know?
He’s like Batman if Batman went down on me and gave me multiple toe curling orgasms. He left without saying a word before I pulled the pillow off my face
Find out if he’s shared his techniques with a friend and set me up with him. You know I’ve always had a thing for Robin!!!!
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