I don't usually arrange sex via text message
I dont know whether to be proud of myself for not driving, or being proud that i was so messed up I couldnt drive
def just vomited mimosa in the gym trashcan. i weigh less already so i say its been a solid workout.
two fat guys on crotch rockets just invited me to 'party' with them at a del taco. why does this keep happening to me?
Just to be safe, you should be prepared to jump out of a second story window
In reality u ask do u have beer at your house but what your really saying is will there be cock in my mouth
Well, I'm off to go seduce a gay man. In 10 years when I'm 300 pounds, sitting in a mumu surrounded by my 500 cats, remind me of this text. That way I can be like "ohhh THERE'S where I went wrong!!"
Why did I just get a ziplock baggie labeled "2010" on it from you in the mail?
sitting alone on a bench with a sombrero and a bottle of vodka. really angry i got here before you guys.
If the river was whiskey, it would be the best river ever.
She's been drunk for three days now
Like three straight days. 72 hours
She's been covered in glitter for the last two and somehow she found a monkey
I'M SORRY THIS WAS SEXTING AND I MADE IT SERIOUS.
I went to a party last night....I stole all of their ornaments and the toaster oven.
MY HAND WILL BE UP HIS ASS IF HE DOES NOT APOLOGIZE FOR WHAT HE DID. IT WON'T BE THE GOOD-FEELING KIND OF "HAND-UP-ASS" EITHER.
I'm basically cruising around listening to 90's gangsta rap with my meatball sub telling people to go fuck themselves
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