either we just had an earthquake or I am really good @ masturbating
Yo, my girl thinks she's pregnant, so I've got a DD for the wedding. Sweet.
It's like sleeping with someone you met at a karaoke bar. It's never okay.
This girls' body was nothing short of spectacular...her face, was like the '09 Detroit Lions
What's the name of that girl you hooked up with? The one that looks like the fire hose sign.
Hey guess what I got for Valentine's day? Debt and blue balls.
Drunk tip #47: Its better to overestimate how many plastic bottles itll take to urinate in, rather then underestimate.
Being thankful with your family is one thing. Being thankful with your friends while getting drunk and smoking bowls while eating leftovers, priceless.
Wake up, take the dog to the trails, puke in the woods. More days should start like this.
We had sex on a dog bed..
He gave me my financial savings if I invested with him while I was giving him a bj.
I just felt emotion and I'm not okay with it
Have you ever given your heart and soul to someone and they turn out to be nothing but a great fuck that makes a mean grilled cheese because same
I know we're not on great terms here, but I need to know if you're still available for sexual activity...cause if not I need to get going on a work-out plan.
Plus you need some new dick in your life, the environment is fucked enough you don’t have to recycle anymore 😂💀
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