Every time there's an awkward silence a gay baby is born
i don't know whats more disturbing, that his dog drooled directly into my mouth or that i was too drunk and tired to do anything except let it be there.
Can we just schedule bi-weekly fucks and bypass all the bullshit?
the last thing i remember is unlocking the door. its like i was literally opening the door to my blackout
his dick got so hard in his pants and it broke his zipper
I remember sitting there at the toilet, bleeding everywhere and thinking, "I walked from my bedroom to here. What happened?"
I saw you eating fruit and doing shots off people passed out
My boss just sent an employee on an hour long paid break to pick up weed for our 'staff meeting' tomorrow morning.
Can we please get through at least one night out when you DON'T threaten to have sex with one of my parents?!?!
I'm pretty sure I just discovered what the American Dream is said the person eating a hotdog for breakfast in bed in her underwear
why is there blood on my car? and are we still friends?
Lemme put it this way babe, at point you were naked in Target.
Where were you?
Laughing
The time stamp on this text message is reason enough alone to not leave me unsupervised
Thank you for coming with me today. I find it appropriate that we celebrated my negative pregnancy test with slurpees and donuts.
I don’t know how you celebrated 4/20 but I set a Payless trash can on fire
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