I'm texring you during a blow job. She thinks I'm looking shit up. Fml. Ftw.
Michael Jackson and Farah Fawcett are dead
NOOOOOOOO not MJ! Someone tell the paramedic to grab him by the heart and just "Beat it"
Just did shots with my boss to warm up for our sales call to Childrens Hospital. I love startups.
I just put a picture of what I imagine Rob's dick looks like on it on my vision board. thank you Oprah!
is it pathetic that I think he's cheating and it doesn't bother me because for the first time I'm the girlfriend and not the other girl?
You offered me some of your "Jungle Juice." It was just 151 and Absinthe. I don't know how you are still alive.
I'm just chillin on the bathroom floor
Haha oh no
The bathroom floor is like my second bedroom on the weekends
I'm not gonna lie, my internet creeping skills scare me. I'm like Liam Neeson in Taken
Please don't throw the wedding bouquet at me
I kind of really want to call off the engagement but I kind of need his mom's mashed potatoes on thanksgiving so I'm between a rock & a hard place here
I'm so upset I left my sombrero at the expo center
Remember the time you puked your contact lens out?
I figure blowing aggressively into a harmonica is better than screaming, "GET THE FUCK AWAY FROM ME YOU SOCIOPATHIC SUCCUBUS" to my sister, in the middle of an auditorium, during my mothers college graduation ceremony.
I'm in the Sheetz parking lot waiting for dad to finish a drug deal.
Btw you guys passed out eating DP dough and watching Pocahontas... on a monday
it was stoner heaven..
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