im watching my roommate bang this girl. she doesn't look like she's any good, because he has a bored look on his face...
turns out the guy i was dating because he was a cop was not actually a cop. i learned this as he got arrested by real cops.
You tried to tell me you weren't high while you were eating French onion dip out of the jar with a spoon
Dude, we're at Einstein's Bagels and the dude next to us is spreading cannabutter on his bagel.
Just heard this lady walk by on her phone saying "did everyone orgasm?"
all I heard when I woke up this morning was "BONG HITS FOR BREAKFAST" being yelled repeatedly.
You are the worst substitute drug dealer ever
Omg how many tall cans is too many tall cans for 1 pm
Okay. This morning the comforter was wet, you were underwearless and using a tiny blanket. What'd you do??
Dude...I slept walked to the free condom bin in the lounge last night. I don't know why.
I woke up with my earring stuck inbetween my tits. Somehow you fucked my earring out and my boobs saved it. I'm pretty impressed with both of us right now.
so like what it comes down to is do I wanna look like a boss ass bitch or do I wanna masturbate.
If he would've shaved his beard when we first broke up, getting over him would've been so much simpler. That asshole.
According to my Fitbit I was passed out in my car for 2 hours after she got us kicked out of the bar
Should I wear my "kiss me I'm highrish" shirt for my drug screen today?
Randomize
