where are you
in your bedroom
how did you get in
your wife…
WTF
see... this is why i put birth control in all my friends drinks
wait.... you do what?
i kinda do this "flirt with girls and pretend to be a hot white guy named chris" thing
I think condoms have that nasty latex smell to remind you in the morning of how gross you are.
I'm thinking of writing "I have herpes" on my stomach in sharpie that way I'm not tempted to show my tits tonight
It's not mothers day until you're vomitting syrup into grandma's toilet. Cherish the holidays
he said it was like fucking a big sack of slut potatoes
I just dont understand why you didnt cut me off when I took the funnel into the bathroom and started peeing and funneling at the same time
I know I'm her Sunday school teacher. I just feel I would be saving others from a lot of headaches by telling her someday she's going to be a stripper
You had salsa out and brought a banana on a plate to bed
Adderal just makes me love life. I want to do so much. I just can't stop thinking about all the wonderful opportunities we have and how lucky we are and I want to make a difference in the world. I just have to reign in my brain and convince it that changing the world starts with a college degree, which depends on studying for these finals.
I haven't gone out since the baby was born. If I don't get arrested, in a fight, or both I'm going to be super pissed.
Fucking someone because they own a lava lamp is like fucking someone because they have 20 dollars and no concern for their house burning down.
I mean, that's eating your cake and fucking it too.
Oh man. I threw up in the first cab. Got kicked out. Roamed somewhere for awhile. Fell asleep in the back if the second cab. Woke up in my underwear on the living room floor with a frozen pizza (thawed) laying next to me
Randomize
