I've come to the conclusion that as a grad student I would much rather prefer to get laid then get drunk
I think you know full well that a few years ago my stance was the polar opposite
If you're gonna cry pregnant again I'm not coming over.
just cuze she's 16 doesn't mean it's illegal to add her on facebook
i forgot i changed ur name in my phone to "the situation" so when u texted me i got really excited for a hot second
i thought we decided on me being "the altercation" instead
Its like a 4.5 hour drive but there's drinking involved so I'm destined to go
Can I use you as a job reference? Don't tell them i got you fired cause I banged you tho
We should have cut you off when you asked the can driver if you could ride in the trunk.
In case you were wondering, taking me to see beauty and the beast in theaters would totally get you an unsolicited sloppy beej in the parking lot afterwards.
You should probably take note of that and make it happen.
This dude has my number from April last year. Drunk me left sober me a puzzle. No confirmation of pants off business
Why is there a video on my phone of us trying to snort a line of Reeces Pieces with you chanting "This is how fat girls party"?
I'm 11 for 13 getting drunker than the person who's birthday it is
You called my nipples compassionate. What does that even mean?
Remember that time we turned a can of Axe body spray into a flame thrower?
New rule: if you don't think racism exists, you don't get to put your penis inside me.
The only thing I want for my birthday is a divorce from you.
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