You bet me 100 dollars that the Raiders would win the super bowl this year. I have it on tape.
My mom asked what the mark on my neck was - I told her I burned it with a straightener.
She believed that the monsterous hickey on your neck was a burn?
well, not really. but then i reminded her that my sister has yet to take that pregnancy test and she conviniently forgot about my hickey
i stuck my finger in my ass and it felt weird. but you know. it should be different when a guy does it right?
this is the 21st century. you drunk fuck him and then go on a date.
I want to spend time with you, and by time, I mean real time. Not your dick in my mouth time.
FUCK YOU CALIFORNIA. YOU DO NOTHING RIGHT. FIRST PROP 8 AND NOW THIS.
Apparently my type is "guy whose parents had unprotected sex on Halloween". Last week was my ex's, my FWB's, and the guy I'm seeing's birthdays.
Apparently I texted my high school english teacher asking her to tell me what logical fallacies she taught us three years ago.
Of all the shitty people we associated with, you should be happy that I'm the one fucking your cousin. Sorry.
Why did I wake up to grapes taped my ears ?
Sorry dude, we didn't want you to hear us. Seemed like a good idea at the time.
I was like wtf you can warn a girl like hey I have a huge dick and I fuck for hours
Someone google feeding your vagina Advil and Neosporin
Justin just used the term "industrial strength colon blow".
My diet fell off the wagon when I began texting the pizza delivery guy my location on frat row.
I'm not kidding, he literally jumped in the red panda exhibit. I knew this was gonna be a good birthday.
Its 9 am & i've been cleaning for 6 hours now with occasional crying bursts and two cocktails. Adulting 101.
Randomize
