tonight is proof that a xbox 360 will always be more reliable than a girl ever will
and a girl gets the red ring of death every month
the last girl i hooked up with and the last guy i hooked up with are hooking up right now. this is where bisexuality becomes a problem.
I was to drunk to drive all the way up there, so we just had rough phone sex instead
He just said he was the Jesus of alcoholics.
It's like playing clue with my own life. I have to piece together what I did, where I was, how I did it, and who I did it to
Dude, you walked in on me 5 times each times you had a different person with you. And each time you lifted the covers up and said 'whats going on in here'
im not 100% but im pretty sure at some point i was rubbing ur bf's beard telling him how magnificient i thought it was
I need to find out this kids work schedule. I need mustache rides on my lunchbreaks.
That's totally the Emoji for "just ran into some girl who knows I know she had an abortion"
How was my night? He had a picture of his mom on his night stand and he yelled "Papi like" when he came. Fuck tequila.
I'm glad our friendship can withstand laughing mid-blowjob during the diarrhea scene in Dumb & Dumber.
I will feed you tacos. I will touch your butt. Happy Valentine's Day ❤️
A condom was pulled out of your vagina by a doctor today I do not think you can pull off "closet" hoe anymore
One day when i undoubtedly need an intervention please let it include lightsabers.
I think I can handle that.
How was your night?
Good. I made people cry and run home
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