Don't go all Obama on me. George Bush this decision and just do it. Thinking's for the morning after
Just found out my drug dealer is also a porn star. It's a good day.
My mom assumed I was crying because he was leaving. Figured that was better than explaining my eye's sensitivity to semen..
Upside of a two-day migraine: thanks to a prominent "E" in the middle of every pill, I think we can totally pass off Excedrine Migraine as ecstasy to stupid, drunk freshman. This is totally going to happen. That entrepreneurship course is paying off.
I'm. Arresyed bur sierra ue obbe of mt vet friends. I hope we can tyajk ane gwt ob the same page. Ur aweaome ttyl.
He wanted to bang in the work van while we were on shift together. He convinced me with "It's like the Scooby Doo van but looks nothing like the Scooby Doo van."
I thought my dog was a polar bear. I kept asking how the north pole was this time of year.
I have to finish a biography for history and write a review on it so naturally I was like "getting high will make this more bearable" and now I'm basically inside the book at the revolutionary war with this guy.
This is the I'm sorry text for running around yelling don't shit on my rainbow, end up in the fetal position crying at 4 am in my car because someone shit on my rainbow
I'm buying groceries with adderoll. I hope I'm never this broke again.
Send help, water and tortillas.
he woke me up with all the stuff I had at his house in boxes i had to unwrap my own belongings and he said. Happy v-day its time to see ya day! Worst day ever
Learn from my mistakes, you naive soul: Gay love triangles are just as dangerous as straight love triangles.
After last night I never want to be in the back of a cop car again. No leg room.
When I met you, I was just like "who the fuck is this drunk chick throwing up on my bed?" But I'm glad we're friends now
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