drunk...on the white house tour...security is staring. this will not end well.
I had to convince you not to write "happy birthday to the first guy who fingered me" on his facebook wall, right above the post from his current girlfriend's mother.
She just landed. Popped over for a BJ and left. I'm a fan of layover layovers.
We're discussing which museums we should go to when we shroom. How ill would Picasso be?
I slept with an Israeli and a Palestinian in the same day. It feels wrong.
She rode an inflatable shark down the stairs. Viva shark week.
Awkward moment: seeing and saying hey to the MILF you're sleeping with while shopping with your mother and sister.
I am a murderer. I ran over so many baby frogs. I wanted to stop and pick some up to take home, but all I have is a wine bottle. I'd hate to explain that to a cop.
You just said the word 'slut' out loud in your sleep and then made a moaning noise
This guy dressed as a piece of paper for Halloween, I felt it was only necessary to sign his penis
He gave me my financial savings if I invested with him while I was giving him a bj.
It's hard picking what to wear when you know the plan is sex. Like can't I just wear my robe let's just simplify this.
Usually it's tequila, or vodka. But today was just the devil
Nxt time we drink that much, we'll have to hide the crayons. Crayola-ing a mural on the living room wall wasnt the brightest idea, but it sure is classy. Right?
Just saw a commercial for non alcoholic baileys cream. WHAT THE HELL IS THE POINT?!
Randomize
