you called me at 4 in the morning to tell me that your toaster burnt your english muffin, and that you "fuckin hated that thing."
Buying weed on Christmas. Gotta love Jewish drug dealers
i am doomed to only fuck guys with curved cocks
He was carrying a rolled up carpet saying he was saving it for tomorrow's Walk of Fame.
I prob couldn't even get his attention if I had a dick growing out of my forehead
I feel like despite his sleaziness I could be friends with this man. he just sent me a picture of his dog's balls.
what the hell is that chicken wire thing she's holding?
An artistic expression of her stupidity.
I couldn't think of the word "bath" so instead I told him I was marinating in soapy water
this is a preemptive text before you call me freaking out: i have your keys and your car is parked safely a block down from your apartment.
you are a goddess
Told my fifteen year old cousin's friend what to sext his girlfriend last night. He was scarred for life but she fucking loved it.
I've seen too many dicks in the past week. I can't do it anymore.
you were walking down the sidewalk and just puked. didnt even stop or slow down and just kept going. i was so impressed i didnt even tell anyone you threw up on passing peoples shoes.
OH MY GOD I AM DYING. AS I WAS TEXTING I JUST BUMPED INTO A MOTHER FUCKING DEER. I AM SHAKING
Wait...Literally? You hit a deer...with your body?!
I PHYSICALLY RAN INTO IT. I FELT ITS WEIRD HAIR AND I EVEN APOLOGIZED CAUSE IT DINDT REGISTER THAT IT WASNT A PERSON. MORTIFIED.
I offered to trade my cat for a bottle of tequila as long as it had a handle on it and realized I had a problem
Umm I might be late. Also I am may or may not have mayonnaise on my ass
Randomize
