god i wish i could take a shit and a shower at the same time
I just punched cris angel in the balls. I have photos.
Wait, how do girls masturbate?
I dunno we use shower heads I guess.
..how does it fit?
I love how you are more concerned with what i call my penis than the fact i wanna bone some high school chicks
He insisted on us having sex while watching the biggest loser and asked me if I could "resist the temptation".
I AM SAFE. EVERYTHING IS FOG. MISSION ACCOMPLISHED.
I know I said I wouldn't, but he told me I looked like Mila Kunis. Reasons not to fuck him, go.
this year we will have multiple halloween identities. lesbian couple meets brian and stewie
Hey, don't think you remember me but we met last night. I'm conducting a survey this morning its only one question: Have you seen Rob since 1am?
He went out to smoke and when he came back I was still in the same spot naked and unable to breathe.
All I could say was, "ladies and gentlemen, THIS is why I drive 30 mins"
Sorry i vommed in a cup next to u w out warning.. Actually im not that sorry cuz i didn't spill a drop LIKE A PRO
Drunk wound on my leg hast healed and neither has my dignity
She puked off the side of the cruise ship onto a newlyweds balcony table and they watched it all happen then they made her clean it up
Aw. You're having cute FaceTime with your fiance, I'm trying to convince myself not to booty call a 42 year old. #adulting
He sang the chorus to “Inside of you” by Russel Brand in Forgetting Sarah Marshall as he proceeded to not pull out...
Honestly? I wouldn’t even be mad, that probably took talent
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