I feel like ignoring a facebook event is a lot like a pocket-veto. The only difference is instead of opposing legislation, I don't want to go to your sketchy party.
Why does my right nut always hang lower than my left nut?
It's never good when you wake up covered with burns
Pretending to be straight requires way more energy than I'm willing to use in this heat.
they ran out of ice so they are using frozen shrimp in their drinks
I don't think he understands what an important role his penis plays in my level of self esteem
For once I'd like to have a Taco Sunday without having some random drunk chick flee my house half naked and in tears.
I'm wearing boardshorts as underwear to work. This is bachelorhood
Was that your vagina? Received a text pic from a number I didn't recognize. Shaved, so no hair color cues. But it looked like your lips.
For the record, just because I'm a mess doesn't mean I don't know what I'm talking about when I give you advice. I'm way better at other people's lives.
So if I get kidnapped from my office and go missing for a few days does that count against my vacation days and do I still get paid?
In case you're wondering what eggs stolen from an elementary school's chicken coop taste like, delicious. Delicious is what they taste like.
Apparently I send drunk snapchats a lot and they always have random dudes in them. Like one night it was just me and some guy I don't know sitting on my couch.
He showed up riding a bike blasting the ghostbusters theme song. His name was Lasercat. Im in love.
Alvin just won tickets on the radio. I guess he's out of jail.
Randomize
