I left my keys in the garlic bread freezer in Publix.
Im at a strip club, and the dancer just farted into my face. The bad part about that is I could taste the wings I bought her earlier
I wish there was a hungover fairy to brush my teeth and bring me a diet coke.
I just realized there's an entire generation of children that will never know Alex Trebek had a mustache... Sad.
i just ran into my boss at the liquor store. we didnt exchange words, just nodded in mutual understanding.
He offered to drive me out of state to meet up with my fuck buddy. Like best brother in law ever.
Let's just say my vagina is not superimpressed with the superintendent of schools.
My dad just decided to play wingman for me... I dont want to let the family down... but both these girls are hideous
so i guess now we know you can get away with peeing mere feet from the Capitol if you shout IM PREGNANT at the guards
seeing two freshman taking a cab home at noon on a Monday makes me realize how much worse my life choices could have been
If the sex wasn't incredible why would I compare it to cheesy tots
Did we actually play with swords last night or did I dream that?
Straight up last night my mom was like josh you need to find a job that doesn't include the selling or transporting of drugs
My mom found my empty case that I hid in my room and just said "now why don't you be a responsible underaged drinker and throw it in the recycling" and walked away. I'm in shock.
got some info she was last seen with some guy wearing goggles
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