It was kind of weird
What did your mom walk in?
She flung her tampon across the room.
That bus ride was like a tour of all the bushes I puked behind last night
I miss Michael Jackson so much sometimes
I just found a GIANT thermos of sangria in my sink. I don't know if its still good to drink, but its good to drink.
I'm making myself a nametag with my contact info and pinning it to myself like a kindergardenter in case I get lost when I black out on Sat.
Can we laminate it? Just to be safe.
The inside of my nose has felt like the guy's face falling off from raiders of the lost ark all week
There are many penises to be discovered and claimed tonight
We're like Lewis and Clark
At what part of the night did you guys leave?
After my hot tub cannonball.
I should have listened to my dad and mean girls... If you have sex you'll get pregnant and die.
So I got this new job… ever been fucked in a corner office before?
He? As in you personified your dick?
I'm so high. I'm going to need directions to get home.
Remember when we used to smoke out of an apple at the playground? Those were some precious moments
I had sex in the tube at that same playground once. That park is full of memories.
You're lucky I just like fucking you because you would really suck at being a boyfriend.
He told his wife he was too old to pretend to be straight. She tried to argue. He walked two tables over and was like this is my highschool sweetheart and he's an excellent fuck, we're running away together. It was epic.
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