please keep texting me so i can pretend someone likes me
I just puked in the mop bucket at work. I think I need to go home.
Keeping my bail papers as a souvenir from when I was arrested. Too weird?
as soon as I walked into work this morning, my boss called me out on my hangover, patted me on the back and said I'm getting time an a half for even showing up. Did I really look that bad this morning?
This is the high leading the old right now
I mean it was like cry my eyes out or masturbate in my moms bathroom.
Besides the flaccid incident, it was decent. Average sized. So this is my life now. Loneliness and lackluster sex.
I'm about to pick up E from underneath a random doormat.......how is this remotely normal?
Remind me in the future that chugging dog codeine is not the best idea.
Woke up with your brother in my bed...where do you want me to return him?
Btw, you're my emergency contact at Planned Parenthood
best way to lose double chin? blow jobs. I am fucking hurting.
so this maintenance guy stood at the corner of my cubical and scratched his balls for like a full minute cause he thought no one could see him
dude it's 9am and i'm still drunk it's too early for sexting
You're not who I thought you were. You've changed.
Accent: check. Hot body: check. 8" dick: check. Feeds me biscuits in bed after rampant sex: check. Should I continue with my "Why I'm not coming back to the States" List?
Randomize
