The highlight of my Saturday night was singing along to the sound of music alone in my room.
I had a dream that I had 21 friend requests. it was the best day
What is an appropriate "thanks for saving my life" gift? I don't have any experience with this.
He's almost as awesome as vicodin.
Can i tell him you said that? Cuz i know that means a lot coming from you
You know me. im down for anything that could harm my well being. lets dress like dolphins so everyone will see what dicks they are.
Got him to take a shot from the drip pan on the George Forman. He's gone now.
YOU BETTER NOT BE SHAVING YOUR LEGS RIGHT NOW IM TRYING TO HELP YOU
Really, who hasn't had sex on your bed?
ME.
Her son walked into the middle of the living room, took off his diaper, shit on the floor, smiled at me, and walked out, as if nothing happened.
So date night went well?
"I'm a professor to university students" I say as I realize I have a nipple piercing that I have no memory of getting
you bleached my bangs. i have an interview later today and you assholes bleached my bangs.
We watched X-Files, ate pizza, and he played with my butt. It was a pretty standard Monday.
If you can't trust the person at the taco cabana drive thru, who can you trust?!
God I miss you. I would very much like to have sexual intercourse with you. I'm home eating chicken alfredo.
So you realized he wasn't actually cheating on you and now you're trying to unfuck things. Or in this case unfuck Tom.
Randomize
