also referred to as T.P.S. (Toddler Penis Syndrome)
and you said cock pushups were impossible
just saw bouncers outside a coffee shop. beginning to question humanity.
apparently 9 shots of absynthe does not take away your skill to walk. i just woke up under a tree in some field on the other side of town with 4 hours missing.
Somehow last night, my dad got me so drunk that I ended up throwing up on the couch, turning the cushions over to hide it, and going to sleep on them.
we walked around the neighborhood with caution tape tied around our foreheads, making indian noises. I might have disturbed a crime scene to make a native american headdress.
work has become about six times more interesting since i started fucking my boss.
The cab driver is now flexing at a red light...
You should hear the lecture my mom just gave me about cooking pizzas when im drunk because "I could have died".
also karaoke with swedish 7yr old and drunk 50yr old = best idea ever
Apparently calling shotgun while getting put into a police car is frowned upon
Ask me if I'm sitting naked in a lawn chair eating a block of cheese waiting for a bacon grilled cheese sandwich
Well that's disappointing. I guess I'll give a lesson on dick-breaking another time then
We got cut off at a bar at 4pm. We aren't human
Then it hit me - his penis wasn't a shiny new toy anymore and I wanted a new one.
Randomize
