Did you just throw up mid-sentence?
based on who turned up here tonight the whole evening should just be called "mistakes i made when i was fat"
why the FUCK would i wear makeup on my vagina!?
i took my goldfish out of his bowl last night and put him in my bed
There's something really special about 3:00 in the afternoon drunk that just can't be duplicated at any other time of day.
Don't mean to be rude. But did you, by any chance, cut down a tree from my neighbors backyard last night? And did you also drag it to my yard and burn it?
Annnnddddd this chick is using a hand puppet made of a sock to give her research presentation...
HELP THE ONLY THING THAT'S HELPING ME DISTINGUISH BETWEEN THE TWO OF THEM IS THE DIRECTION OF THEIR WINKY FACES OMFG
Sally, Your mom and my mom hooked up in college, we must uphold this tradition.
Agree to hang out with him and then take a gigantic shit right on him. Or if youve forgiven him for being a fucker maybe make out with him.
My moms new boyfriend looks like Stu Pickles if he was in a biker gang. He gave me free coke though, so come party?
I also woke up in a bed soaked of pee and drunkenly lectured him on the dangers of chewing tobacco... weird night
I'm disgusted with myself. Who goes down on their Uber driver? This asshole
The Domino's delivery guy is in front of me at The Wendy's drive-through. Hmmm.....
My fuck it list is complete! I finally got a firefighter!
Randomize
