FYI... At my funeral, it will be your job to throw yourself dramatically onto my casket.
Hey, could you leave the door unlocked? Keys seem hard right now.
Just walk-of-shame'd past fifteen little girls at summer camp. Take a good look girls, I am you in twelve years.
He went into the alley to piss and came back a minute later with a case of Bud Select. I'm speechless.
someone made her a trophy at 4 in the morning and presented it to her in the bathtub
Man, I thought my dick was gonna fall off.
Dude, I didn't even think they made slap bracelets anymore. You okay?
In your defense, I really thought capturing that alligator would have been a lot more awesome and a lot less tragic.
RIP Mr Bojangles.
I just remembered that he had fake blood all over his face last night. I woke up with it all over my dick. He was 50. Please don't judge me.
Today is leap day..... If that's not an excuse to blackout all day I don't know what is
I think I'm going to add the date I dumped his sorry ass as a life event on FB.
I think that's justified.
I'm in my bed. Snow angles in fresh sheets. don't even try to get me out tonight.
Saying someone's good at giving head is like saying someone is good at pouring juice like there is that one girl who will spill it everywhere but for the most part it's not that hard to be good at
I've been sleeping with the same person for about two months now, I think I know a little bit about stability and commitment.
I just got a text from a stranger offering to shave my asshole. I've been sober and out of town for a week, are you using my number as a dial-a-dumping again?
That guy u hooked me up with kept calling me james while were doing it...
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