I may or may not be drunk driving a golf cart. Vegaaaassssssss.
I couldn't tell if those girls from the bar were lesbians or just awesome
The best part of listening to lady gaga while high is that any word your brain puts in is right.
He left me a five minute voicemail apologizing for chasing me with a meat beater. I'm actually not sure what that means.
I think the world is coming to an end. Earthquakes, huricanes, floods, and now you say you LOVE him. Im building a shelter and going into hiding.
Just once, I'd like to hook up with a girl that doesn't look like she's having a near-fatal seizure when I give her an orgasm.
As long as I don't spend the half the week passed out/fucked up on Klonopin and no one dies, this will be the best week I've had all semester.
I didn't mind you coming over, just I'm quite sure most booty calls don't involve a scavenger hunt...
A man just squeezed past me in a tight space and said, "Excuse us."
i tried to propose to him with my nipple ring but i couldnt figure out how to take it out
I've officially dedicated my newly single life to making myself squirt.
I WAS SURROUNDED BY HAIRY BALLS ALL ALONE.
sorry for any reference made toward your boobs or making you feel pregnant or incapable of peeing. make it a wonderful day.
I just got the high sucked out of me. Fuck.
Yeah, everything was going great until the mugging.
Randomize
