My mom can no longer prohibit me from smoking pot..I sell to her boyfriend.
...that's why he's not doing anything with his life except breeding geckos
You refused to come over and kept yelling that you were gonna sleep on a car
Seriously, in what other class can the final major discussion be what bar you're going to with your prof?
She's running around bumping into to people trying to keep a balloon she filled with vodka in the air. Please tell me she has a secret off switch you didn't tell me about.
Pretty sure I can show you the text you sent me stating some interest in my penis entering your mouth if said circumstances were met.
Moral of the story: don't have drunken shower sex with the lights off...or you WILL break your foot. And the shower knobs.
I am not betting on the failure of any friend that is not you.
Just FYI, by the transitive property my breasts have now touched the Stanley Cup.
I need you to be best friend brutally honest about whether or not I can go into public like this.
This whole quitting my bad habits all at once is really messing with my ability to function.
Beer Olympics must happen in honor of the legit Olympics.
Today has been hell. Also I saw a dead man's penis. It's safe to say I will be getting very drunk tonight.
Lesson Learned: It's not a party until someone pisses their pants.
I'm a teacher who's always telling kids about the importance of due diligence, yet I'm eating an avocado out of a coffee filter because I'm too lazy to wash dishes
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