i think it would be like really awesome if scientist could genetically engineer manatees to be like the size of goldfish so i could have one in my fishbowl and be like FUCK YEAH TINY MANATEE
I am the master of subtle flirting. I seduced him by simulating a hand job with an epi-pen during training.
I had my first sober conversation with his roommate. I remembered half way through that the first time we met I was getting fucked on his counter
It was total unicorn galloping on a fucking rainbow awesome.
You're the third person who's asked me for an afternoon blow connection in one day. Unreal.
That's more of a you-issue than a me-issue
It's whatever. I just want to see his dick again
This dudes playing guitar and singing outside our window and he's like "ravioli is beterrrrrrr than tortelliniIii cause tortelliniiii is shaped like fucking ears"
Would it be crossing a line if I told him that I now know his girlfriend has a huge mole on her left ass cheek?
Don't you hate falling asleep on the couch with a glass of wine in your hand? It's like dreaming about peeing and then realizing you've peed the bed only stickier.
Just had an oven catch fire while I was balls deep. Fire department came, I did not.
You ever feel like just rubbing your face in everything like a dog?
I just found weed in my bra #magicboobs2k16
Who is this? I have a text from you last night telling me your name and to train hard for Tuesday, please make this make sense
There is a woman in the stall next to me giving a pep talk to her daughter that wants to call off her wedding. I'm afraid to pee!
Why am I not drinking beer at 8:26am is the question
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