I am one bad relationship away from having 30 cats.
Dude. Muppets take manhattan on netflix instant. Pass my midterm or relive my childhood? Tough decision.
He's trying to wipe up all the spilled drinks with a banana
Just learned the hard way that dicks can bruise the back of your throat to the extent that you cant eat. You're dead to me.
I'm sorry. I know you didn't expect me to be arm deep in vagina when you walked through the door.
We finally have the house to ourselves and your out playing Lance Fucking Armstrong
Just peed in the fountain while its snowing. Fell flat on my ass, literally my butt naked ass in a pile of snow. It's safe to say I'm done with drinking on weekdays
This is how baked we were last night. Our drinking game: We stare at each other; first one to laugh drinks.
When the cab driver starts laughing its a good indication of the standard of girls you are bringing home
I knew it was going to be a good night when my mom said "Have fun, be safe...wait, do you need any weed for tonight?"
Let's put a bunch of beers in a backpack and shotgun them in a Red Lobster bathroom
I'm slowly starting to accept that you have to be a sociopath to be attracted to me
I'm not gonna swipe right, he has better hair than me. Just no.
Look, I tried but his dick tasted like disappointment.
Just letting you know that your little sister is now your eskimo brother. You can send a thank you edible arrangement to Tammy.
Randomize
