is it bad that the only reason i knew what antidote meant in class today, was from years of playing pokemon?
Locked out of the apartment with just a box of wine way to begin the weekend.
doing shots has become such a natural thing to me that i just instinctively swallowed listerine
I have to be home in time to watch my friend on that Lifetime show about having babies. And by friend, I mean the girl I had a lesbian experience with at a party 3 years ago.
hes like my own personal sex toy i use him on the weekends and then i have the option to put him away all week
Really?!? Does he think blocking me on FACEBOOK means that he doesn't have a kid with me?!
The resort was totally empty, just June and I. Which of course lead to EXCESSIVE day drinking and outdoor fucking. FYI Dominicans LOVE to watch.
We're going as conductors of the hot mess train and nobody rides for free
Our tip jar will say "just put the tip in, see how it feels"
My boss followed me on Twitter. Excuse me while I delete 90% of my tweets
He wants me to tell you "my boner misses you"
MY GOD WHY DIDN'T I TAKE PHOTOS OF HIS CREDIT CARDS WHILE HE WAS SLEEPING
All of my friends are talking about changing their lives because they have an alcohol addiction and I'm over here reminding my boss that it's national beer day.
I sucked his dick by a creek, how romantic.
NO ITS THAT IM A SEXUAL DEVIANT AND CANT FILTER MYSELF
Over Bumbled last night. I think I set my dog up on a date Sunday afternoon. I have to drive him, meet the other dog’s dad and secretly drink a bottle of champagne from a “water bottle”. This is not what I expected 30 to be like.
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