Wow, your whole life is a joke regardless of the fact that its april fools day
He came on my face and tried to draw out a smiley face because he said I looked like I had a bad day
I got kicked out of an open bar wedding reception. The bride "felt threatened" by my presence. Not my fault she's ugly
He just compared himself to a majestic butterfly in regards to the lack of girlfriends. i don't even know what to say.
It was your ex but it was not eighties night, it was pudding wrestling. And either thank you or I'm sorry depending on the state of my pants left on the doorstep
Totally. Bang on. He'll be fine. He might cry into your perfect tits once in a while, but that's the price ya pay.
Oh god iv'e slept with this police officer before oh god oh god
Almost to work. And still feel hungover. Like my body is trying to regenerate after dying. Full on zombie shit. But like, one of those zombies from warm bodies that comes back to life slowly.
Aaaand the winner of the worst decision of Sunday night goes to me as I pull up to his house in my lingerie.
I am lonely and hungry. I need a girlfriend, but I'd settle for my mom.
I HAD TO TAKE A SHOT OF JAGER AND SOME REDBULL JUST TO SEE IF IT’LL MAKE MY MOUTH FEEL BETTER
On a brighter more disgusting note...... I think I just shart myself but I'm too afraid to find out.
Sitting naked, eating lucky charms with rain boots on
So what your saying is you dont remember trying to hit a golf ball off my chest with a 9 iron?
I just googled "how to blow an uncircumcised guy" and did serious research. That's how badly I want to fuck him.
You misuse your internet privileges.
Randomize
