just took a cab, driver just asked what i'd been drinking- i said vodka, he said "can't do vodka-drunk, it makes me feel like i'm giving birth to myself" ...no comment
why does being broke make me substitute dinner for vodka, Xanax, and two day old cupcakes? I don't like being fat, jittery and drunk.
You insisted on drinking champagne out of the dog bowl
I added "don't hook up with boys with girlfriends" to my new years resolution and realized how sad it was that it made me actually feel like a better person
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
You drunk invited us to do an intervention for you.
I told her we could be friends and she said the last time i told her that we had sex behind a bar at 4am
In his defense he just bought a bong like a week ago so he's still in that honeymoon phase.
The two girls sitting next to me are asking siri "Like, uh, how do you know my name?". Do I fuck with them or fuck them?
Your text makes more sense read in reverse.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Note to self don't give these guys your number. I've seen more dick tonight than a proctologist sees his whole career
Dude. Cvs sells sex toys. And my discount works on them. Game on.
She may be more beautiful than I am, but I bet she hasnt pissed in as many public places as me...
Tolerating him while I'm not drunk is like trying to find a word that rhymes with orange
Anyone who can sit 4 hours in a doobie circle with their feet in a kiddie pool is ok by me
high I am. I am yoda. Yoda I am
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