I bruised my spine.. Jungle gyms were clearly not meant for sex.
Jello bowls to the fucking face, that or ramen spiked with liq. Those are the only options in this house.
Not much, just your average college male Sunday cleaning period blood out of the carpet.
Tell me you're kidding.
Besides scarred, I'm not much of anything right now.
her best friend is in town and she told me that they used to fool around when they were drunk and I'd have to "help keep that from happening"
you motherfucker
Yeah.. he went to Tebow in the middle of the crosswalk and got hit by a cab... The yellow ones really don't stop
I have come to realize that my purpose in life is less musical and more as a filter of alcohol into water.
I ended up in a bathroom giving my hymen a pep talk
I was wondering why he was in my phone as "Cat Guy", he seemed pretty normal. Then when we woke up he was wearing a shirt with a picture of his cat on it. The name stays.
I really thought I'd be the only alcoholic drinking alone in my car at noon in the Lowe's parking lot. Passed out dude in the car next to me begs to differ.
It's national "dress up your pet day" come over. Drugs and dressed up cats..it's the shit dreams are made of.
HE FINALLY TEXT ME AND CALLED ME BY MY TWITTER NAME STAND BY FOR THE WEDDING INVITE, BRIDESMAID
Dude, exfoliate your balls. you'll thank me later.
remind me again why we thought drinking hungarian moonshine was a good idea
You said you made a new recipe, but it turned out you just cooked ramen with vodka instead of water.
Had to trim my nails cus they got too long to effectively finger myself with
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