I only have two rules. But i've fotgotten those rules and replaced them w 2 other rules
Ever have the mailman look at you like youre a chronic masterbator. I have.
My breakfast consisted of a slimfast and an adderal. My fridge is like an insecurity buffet.
all a guy has to do is give me sprinkles and cookies and they can get me in bed
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
all i know is that i listed him in my phone as 'vagina cookies.' that can only be a good thing.
I want to figure out a way to work "if you suddenly die, I might turn into an extreme hoarders" into my valentines day poem
Also I legit had a girl at my bar crying tonight saying to her friend "why did he have to take his top off ?"
Just brought out that old CCM hockey helmet. The one covered in sharpie penises with "DRUNK BUCKET" written across the front. The number of tally marks / initials from tonight's drunk stunts alone is equal parts inspiring and alarming.
fyi, pepper spray hurts. whoever comes up with the best backstory wins a prize.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
i came home after a long day at work and she dropped a plate of cheesecake and a bottle of whiskey in front of me and said here's dinner
You came in last night, ate an entire avocado in silence, and then told me I should never accept rides from strangers. Not sure I even want to know what happened to you last night!
I don't drink nearly as much when I'm coupled, and that's not a lifestyle I can commit to
Waiting on the notification from my fitness pal that tells me I'm an alcoholic
Oh my fucking god that cat looks just like you after you accidentally took Ketamine
Sorry for peeing on your books last night. I wouldn't leave them next to the window anymore.
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