we're getting ready to take strippers to breakfast. I love my life.
I want to touch your soul through your body...with my penis...
Mike i'm at church right now...
this girl is running around outside screaming, it's creaming on me! it's creaming on me. I totally have to find my video camera
My dad just told me if I'm going to smoke pot, to make sure I use a clean needle. WTF?
When I say rough sex, and show you scars from past encounters, pulling my hair a little IS NOT GOING TO CUT IT. And he just doesn't understand.
Weed smoke burps in the boss's face. Job security.
you kept going on about how you couldnt haven been the one throwing up because you were peeing in circles.
A worker across the alley is wearing your sombrero sans cat barf.
WHY AM I ALWAYS THE GAY FRIEND?!?!
I caught him with his head in the spinach bag this morning. He was laughing demonically saying, "i love spinach, yes I do."
lost her for two hours. she was banging a russian guy in her car in the parking lot. he told her she was majestic.
Just paid for my STD meds using a giftcard I got for Christmas. Thanks mom.
If I stopped drinking I'd have to take up murdering.
Wanna get drunk and play candy land? If so you are 2 steps behind.
I had a good weekend too...although I cried about the dog in a drunken stupor last night...not one of my finest moments, but it's all water under the bridge.
Randomize
