He could be your dad!
We discussed that right before he asked for my number
And he showed us your test. You wrote what is this shit and scribbled on it? Nice 3%..
oh my god, there is an imprint from the nuva ring in the christmas card my mom sent me. merry christmas.
Just read my long term horoscope. I'm not gonna get laid for another 2 years.
Lost gin update. Blackout me found and re-hid the bottle. Left a note to myself saying, "GOOD LUCK, SUCKER!"
There was a photo of his face glued to a lifesize Kim Kardashian cutout. By the end of the night he was doing shots out of medicine cups and making everybody hug it goodbye.
Dong worry about me. I just cashed bottle of wine when I found out he was in town, I'm being dramatic. I'll text you tomorrow when I'm sober and my face stops bleeding
What was the name of that place where we saw that concert? It was like a warehouse and some guy was living in the loft above the stage...
It's called: a legit place to drop acid.
My attorney has my name in her roldex as need to hit that. Im gonna win my case
Did I come home in a police car last night? id come downstairs to ask you but i dont think my legs work anymore
I am the Angelina Jolie to his Billy Bob Thorton. We just don't work.
I spent the entire party sexting people's significant others for them because they were too drunk to do it themselves. I did quite well too. I should start a business
Grandma's bordering on serious shit show territory at this point.
How did i spend $200 last night?
Every time you went to get me a drink, you also came back with shots. Then you fell down the steps.
the cop found his r2d2 bong and asked me if i ever smoked out of him. i'm like, no sir. he's like ahh. if i were to smoke, it'd definitely be out of some star wars character.
easily made my night.
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