You drank the expired grape juice because you were convinced it had fermented into wine...you have a problem.
why did your cousin post "out tonight" on facebook? doesn't he know it's only 1 in the afternoon?
shhh don't tell him. it's cloudy out and none of his clocks work
She finally woke up and said, "Me- nothing, potato peeler- 1." And rolled back over.
Was the mom I hooked up with decently attractive I feel like her two friends were hotter
i'm not entirely sure that 'not getting kicked out of the bar until it got dark' really classifies as 'doing better'
Just because you put plan b in my Easter basket doesn't give you an excuse not to wear a condom.
I JUST WANT TO HAVE MILDLY SOCIALLY ACCEPTABLE SEX WITH HIM AND CALL HIM CUPCAKE.
I'm just going to eat until there's an actual reason why he wouldn't want to fuck me.
He came over drunk in a speedo i told him he has my vote he said who are you voting for when i said obama he took off running and shouting i was worthless like an empty beer can
Actually it's really just going to be me drunk in your living room swinging from a pole on a tuesday morning.
You sucked a guys dick who's name was Chad and that wasn't a sign that it was a bad idea?!
He made a toga out of my hot pink bed sheets and cracked an egg on his head. Then he proceeded to alphabetize our DVD collection, which was impressive because I'm 99% sure he couldn't have done that sober.
He fell asleep during FOREPLAY. Sober!!!
Im outta here as soon as my phone charges wtf
I don't know where you went, but if you're anywhere near the liquor, pour me another drink
hopefully I won't be diving through a thorn bush to escape an explosion this time
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