If I remember correctly, I may have been smoking a cigarette on the dance floor. This is the true sign of a douchebag in his native habitat...fmylife
If that was your dad, he is hot
Sacagawea was the original milf.
She's gonna be fat in the future. On a side note I had a "It's not you, it's me." conversation with a bottle of jack last night.
it's official, i know exactly what cross streets we're at by the bumps when i give him road head
Were making a bet for which twin will relapse while in rehab. I'm going for the chubbier one
Going to bed. I have to wake up early and teach small children. And then have affairs with their fathers. I'm going to get deported.
I'm pretty sure whiskey overrules bulimia in the eyes of Texas boys
Dude, they're still mid-coitus. Pretty sure running in to high five my roommate mid-thrust is a mood-breaker.
He was still there when I ran half naked into my suitemate's room where she was skyping her boyfriend and I started singing I JUST HAD SEEEEX
you know you've had too much sex when your vagina hurts when you laugh
Have you picked out a bathroom stall in which to fuck? Since you've got all this free time before her plane lands...
I think I was just hit on by Jesus Christ. This is not okay. Bad Touch. I NEED AN ADULT!
Calm the hell down, it's just stoner Bob.
Nothing says girls night like wine cheese and pregnancy tests 😂
Listen, she cheated on him first. I've known both of them since we were 12. They have no secrets from me. And yes, as a matter of fact, I absolutely did enjoy screaming out his name into his, soon to be, ex wife's pillow.
Randomize
