so i woke up to her 8 year old asking for a bowl of cereal...
I tried booty calling last night but apparently he was too tired and wants to meet up tonight. I told him planning defeats the purpose.
we were so high last night we were cutting bread with my iphone
once the "do it" chant starts, any shot at an even remotely dignified party experience is dead.
I told my mom happy mother's day then rubbed my belly and said "Oh, and happy grandmother's day too..." She started sobbing. You were right, that wasn't the best way to tell her.
i had to sit with a fan pointed directly to my vag for a good 10 minutes
And your cousins porn shouldn't have been the first straight porn you watched. And for that I am sorry
I was wearing my get used bookstore shirt when we fucked. Ironic yet appropriate.
WHEN THE FUCK DID MCDONALD'S DECIDE TO QUIT SERVING BURGERS AT 1:00AM?
I would peed on everything
Put some vodka in it
Its 7am
put some vodka in it
Apparently "Do you want me to ruin your day now or later?" is not a good way to tell someone you're pregnant and it's theirs.
You're doing screenings before you set me up again- no child sized dicks allowed.
My mother expressed her concerns about my drinking via a facebook message.
Verdict: uncircumcised.
she compared me favorably to her vibrator
which one?
Randomize
