You're gonna have to start calling my house phone from now on
How come?
Cuz 'Dad' looked pretty similar to the word Dane when i sent that picture message
I woke up on my floor...
I woke up with colors of the wind playing on repeat on my laptop...
May or may not have just drunkenly opened my christmas presents. Greatly disappointed. Might break up sooner.
let's get a trip to cabo together for next spring... they have to have forgotten about me by now
I drove 5 hours to see her. She thanked me by getting shitfaced, inviting her boyfriend over, and making me sleep on the couch after I cooked for them and did the dishes. You're right. I'm a fucking doormat.
She's the second Ashley to meet and blow me in the same night. Sensing a trend.
Just had a 40 min argument about how many celebrity guest appearances on Sesame Street were court ordered for DUIs.
She just came home holding a fire hydrant. Yes a fire hydrant.
You are so lucky you didn't go back to Tate's house. They decided to figure out who had the biggest balls... I was the judge
At no time is it ever okay for my doctor to compliment my tattoos, when giving me a physical exam.......
You think you're smart. You're pretending to be asleep to save yourself from my hormonal pms mood swings. Unfortunately that only works against bears.
My glasses were in the garbage this morning
At least life still wants to fuck me.
I was at a crossroads, dude. Like, do I wanna eat chicken McNuggets or talk about my feelings?
Remind me to tell you about how I hit a tree with my car last night.
I'll be glad to.
Randomize
